Been A While

A lot has transpired since that last post. As most of you know, I miscarried in January at 9 weeks (the day before my birthday). Since then, we have given up on "trying" for now. At 40, I'm not sure it is in the cards for us. But, I have been working on a "labor of love" lately. It is called SweetBabyBump.com and is a Trying to Conceive, Pregnancy and Parenting website. As most of you know, I was big into TWW while I was pregnant with Kaden, and after his death went back while we were TTC. I got so much support there from my on-line friends that I wanted to create that experience for someone else. If you get a chance, go by and check it out. You will always find me there....

CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

It has been forever since I updated Kaden's blog. This was always about our journey with him, not about what was going on in our daily lives. This time of year is particularly difficult for me. I know this would have been the Christmas where Kaden would have been old enough to really be excited about the tree and the presents. I remember that so well with the other kids and there is something magical about that age and Christmas. I know he is spending his Christmas with his angel friends. I know he knows how much we all love and miss him.

This Christmas has brought us new hope. We are pregnant again and are praying with all we have that this will be our "bring home baby". So far, so good. It is hard not to be scared that something will happen, but I really have a good feeling and am enjoying every day. Please keep us in your prayers and I will keep you all updated.

Hope you all have a great holiday season filled with family and friends and lots of love :o)

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday

A year ago today we began that horrible CDH rollercoaster ride. Getting to see Kaden for the first time, being so scared that things would turn out like they did. I wouldn't trade the 17 days with him for anything but I wouldn't want to relive them for anything either. We were such a mess...not prepared--like you could ever really prepare for that ride. I am sad today thinking about the "what should have beens" for you. We would be having a birthday party for you this Easter weekend, but instead I am just trying to get thru the day with my "best" face. In actuallity, these next 17 days are gonna be rough. It feels like it was yesterday, but a year has already passed. We all miss you terribly, and love you so much! I hope that you and Max get to have cupcakes!

"Minor" disappointment :o(

Well, looks like this little bean wasn't "sticky" enough to hang in there. I am not "devestated", but definately disappointed. We are excited to be trying again this month and I feel like we are finally on the right path to being able to get pregnant again. Keep us in your prayers, and maybe we will get a Christmas Baby! We appreciate all your support and will definately keep you updated.

Our St. Patty's Day Gift From Kaden

First I would like to point out that my sweet little man is wearing his St. Patty's Day hat in the picture to the right. It was taken shortly after he was born, and before I got to see him. His Grandma Mary (who's VERY Irish) put it on him and took his picture. It has always been one of my favorites. Well, yesterday, on St. Patty's Day, Kaden sent his Mommy and Daddy new hope for a baby to love. After trying fertility treatments from August to December, we decided to take a few months off and give me time to heal--physically and emotionally. I knew I was not ready to give up our dream of having a baby together, so I took the time to get serious about preparing my "old" body for a new baby. I started an organic diet, minimal meat, no processed foods, etc. etc. and I started taking some natural supplements that were suppose to increase egg quality and overall fertility health. So, this month we decided to try again....but with NO fertility drugs, and just do the IUI! As you can see.....it WORKED!!!

New baby Kuehl will be here approximately November 29, 2010! Just in time for the holidays! I have to say I was so dreading Kaden's 1st birthday coming and me not being pregnant...my little man knows my heart so well!!

Eleven Months Old

Today is the 11 month marker. Hard to believe that Kaden would have been a almost a year old. Time seems to be flying by so quickly. Not that I want it to stand still or anything, but as each day passes, I feel farther from him. This experience has been the hardest time in my life. And I think our inability to get pregnant again makes it worse. I really miss having Kaden in my tummy where he was safe and okay. I think back to the day he was born and how hectic everything was. I wish I could relive that time when he was here. I know I would do some things differently. I would give anything just to be able to hold him again, even though I only got to hold him once when we were saying goodbye. I miss holding his hands and touching his full head of hair. I miss his little feet. I just miss you baby.

Daddy's new tattoo in memory of Kaden Alex Kuehl

Here is the finished product...After 5 1/2 hours of pure pain. Craig said it really hurt, and he had to lay flat, but it was nothing compared to what Kaden had to do in those precious 17 days. I am getting mine next. Something on my foot. Don't quite know what yet...

7 Month Angel~versary

It has been seven months now since you have been gone from me. It still hurts like it was yesterday, but it does seem, somewhat, in the distant past. Life continues on without you, but you are never far from my thoughts. I have talked to other women who have lost babies, some of them over 40 years ago, and it seem that my pain of losing you will always be here-until we can be together again. But I am okay with that. It means that you will always be with me, even through my pain of missing you. I still look at your sweet face every day and miss having you safe in my tummy doing your Kung-fu-fighting. I really miss that. I had so much love to give you, we all did. I just hope that you can feel it still. We all really miss you, what we dreamed for you and wanted for you. I love you baby boy...

Candles for our babies

Last night was Infant Loss Awareness Night, and Craig & I (and all our friends) had dinner at our house and lit candles for just some of the babies that have touched our lives. It is so bitter-sweet...I was so sad that there were so many names to list (I am sure I forgot someone). All of our bags had the names of CDH babies, ones who's stories we followed, and ones who's families were such a great support for us during our journey with Kaden. There was just one baby, Brendon, that died from SIDS on Wednesday. His mom, Carrie, was one of my Two-week-Wait friends and she was very supportive of me during my pregnancy. Her twin boys were born about 2 weeks before Kaden. I know her pain has to be unimaginable. Please pray for her family during this extremely difficult time.

Mommy's Letter to Daddy

Now that things for the most part have returned to normal--whatever "normal" is for a family that has lost a child, I want to say some things to my best friend that for one reason or another have recently gone unsaid. I am so thankful that you found me, that you love me and that we have Jess and Christopher and Logan. I have never known a love like the love you give to me. I KNOW, without hesitation, that I am your world. That there is no one that you love more than me, and no one that I love more than you. Just thinking of you makes my heart smile and when we are apart (ie:you go to work) it is crazy how much I miss you. I know I have been an emotional roller coaster ride, not myself since losing Kaden, but you hang in there and love me still (sometimes it has to be difficult). I know it hurts you when I am sad, and it is not my intention ever to cause you pain or make you upset. There are things that I have to work thru in my own time, and just know that when I get sad it is not because of you, or something that you have done, but because I really miss our little guy. I am already so blessed to have 3 great kids that I sometimes feel selfish that I want another one. But my desire to have a baby with you is so deep it consumes me. I know it will happen, I am just trying to be patient. Anyway, I want you to know how much I love you--not that "I love you" ever goes unsaid in our daily life. But when I say it, I really mean it....

Happy Bithday Baby Kaden (and Max)

Today is Kaden's 5 month birthday. Times seems to be flying now. With the recent passing of Jackson, Ireland, and MJ, those horrible feelings seem to creep up on me when I least expect it. It is hard to get over losing a child, but when you see other parents--deserving parents--losing their child, too, it is hard to move on. I am brought right back to my grief everytime one of these babies loses their battle with CDH. I relive in my mind what it felt like to have to remove Kaden from support-to have to make that "final" decision. In essence, to give up on him. I know Kaden is in a better place, and no longer suffering, but this whole situation is just wrong. I never thought I would ever lose a child-ever. I'm sure no one ever does, but the question as to why we are chosen to go thru this is very painful to me. I am hoping that part of the reason Craig & I were given Kaden is to help raise awareness for CDH. I know myself, and I would never be as passionate about making a difference if I, personally, had not lost a child to it. A piece of me will never be the same. There will always be a hole in my heart for the baby that I never got to know.

Mommy loves you, Kaden, and misses you terribly.

Praying for Mikey, Chanda and Tristan

I just want you guys to know that we are praying for you. I am so sorry....It's just wrong...

The 4 Month Marker

Just thought I would pop in and give a brief update. Yesterday marked four months since Kaden passed away. I sure do miss that little guy. The days are getting easier, I still have my moments, but I am starting to look forward to the possibility of being pregnant again (hopefully soon). Craig and I had a really great vacation, just the two of us. I have been following all the other babies that have made their arrivals, and the emotions that come thru their blogs brings me right back to the NICU--like it was yesterday. It is amazing how those feelings get burned into your being. Does that make sense? I was deeply, deeply, deeply saddened to hear that Jackson Beal earned his wings while we were gone to Mexico. His story was so similar to Kadens, and I was praying so hard that their outcome would be different than ours. Candice and Rob are in our prayers during their healing. The days after can be a serious emotional roller-coaster. Also praying for Ireland who made her entrance into the world two days ago. She is on ECMO now, but doing good and getting the rest that she needs for her surgery. Mikey and Chanda-you guys are in my thoughts constantly. It really stinks to have to go thru all this, especially after a c-section.

Anyway, just want you all to know that we are still here, taking it day by day:)

From Daddy

I just wanted to say hey to everybody. I really miss my baby boy, Kaden. His whole family misses him...especially his brother Logan. Mommy misses him the most. Anyway, just wanted to give you all an update on daddy. I'm doing pretty good. I really have a hard time when Kristi is feeling down. I love her so much and can feel when she's in a funky mood. I just want her to be happy. I want her to be happy ALL THE TIME!! I know that this is a hard thing to go through for a family, but I, as a father, just want to make it right.

I am still happy that I got the 17 days with my son KADEN. Yes, I'm still upset that GOD took him from us, but that was his plan. I am still so sorry that my wife and I lost our only child together that we had been trying to conceive for over three years. But, I am happy that Kaden's story has touched so many people in this world. He was AMAZING!!! I will always love him.

Good news is...we will be trying again after we get back from our 1st vacation together as husband and wife. I KNOW that we will succeed in conceiving another BEAUTIFUL baby that has NO probelms what so ever. I really look forward to that.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AND THANK YOU FOR STILL SUPPORTING MY FAMILY.

WE WILL BE IN TOUCH SOON.

LOVE THE KUEHL FAMILY
(Craig)

Therapy Session

No, not a professional therapy session (I probably do need one) but just a "blog" therapy session. For some reason, these past few days have been extremely hard for me. I don't know what brings it on, but it hits me like a freight train. I think yesterday it was brought on by me trying to "clean" his room in preparation for a visit from Papa and Nahnee. I found myself drawn to look into his box of "special" things: his foot and hand prints, his hats, lock of his hair....you get the idea. I cannot even bring myself to take his name down off the wall. Even though I know that Kaden will never sleep in the crib, or play in the swing, or sit in the highchair. But I still have all those things ready for him. I feel so let down by God. Could He not see how much I wanted and needed Kaden? I feel broken and alone in my grief. I know there are others that feel pain LIKE me, but not MY pain. I have fears of never being able to get pregnant again, never getting to bring home a baby that is mine and Craig's. Wanting Kaden to come back to me. I want him. Painful...

My CDH Ribbon

I am so excited! This just arrived. Ashley and I found a lady when we met up in Arkansas that does stained glass, and I had these made for each of our little guys. It turned out so good. Hopefully, Ash, yours comes soon!

Mixed Emotions

I know it has been quite a while since I have posted. Kaden's three month marker was on July 3rd, and we went back to Arkansas for my 20 year class reunion on the 4th. It was great to be home. I had not been back in over six years, and I got to reconnect with all my closest friends from high school. It was hard going there with no baby to show off, but everyone got to see Kaden in our pictures. It was a healing time for me. Ashley, Max's mommy, came to visit for a couple of days and it was like we were old friends, not two tragically linked mommies meeting for the first time. It was so good for me to have that time with her.


As for us, we are back on the "serious" baby making journey. Our first appointment is Monday, and I think we may be able to actually start the injections then. Keep us in your prayers that it works and doesn't cost us a fortune! It makes me so happy just to know that we are able to try now. This is the month that we conceived Kaden so I am hoping he will being us good luck :)

I am deeply deeply saddened to hear that baby Avery lost her battle with CDH last night. It brings back such painful memories for me and I know how difficult the decision is to make. Please pray for Shane, Carissa, and Kaitlyn as these next few weeks will be difficult. They will need all the support they can get, and it seems like they have alot of great people who love them. I know it was the support of our friends,family, and even complete strangers that got us thru the loss of Kaden. We would have been lost with out them.

I will try to be better about updating more, but like I always say, I am still following all of your blogs and praying for you all. I miss my Kaden every day, but I am beginning to work thru my sadness and move forward. Mail your envelopes!

The Two Month Marker

Yesterday marked the 2 month birthday for Kaden. I tried to post last night, but couldn't. It was an emotional day for me and I received alot of phone calls and text messages, and even a "thinking of you" card from all the nurses and doctors that took care of Kaden at UCSF. So I was on the emoitional rollercoaster yesterday thinking alot about him and what it would have been like to have an 8 week old baby in the house. I talked to Ashley (Max's Mommy) yesterday, and it is nice to be able to vent and share feelings with someone who knows exactly how I am feeling. Max & Kaden share the same birthday, just one month apart, so we will forever be "connected" in that way. Like I said yesterday, I cannot think of Kaden without thinking about Max. That will never change and I pray that they are together playing in heaven. For those of you who have lost babies to CDH, you may understand the things I am about to say. We, as parents, go thru things in the moments that we make the decision to let our babies go peacefully. For Kaden, it may have been peacefully, but for me it was gut-wrenching. I think about those moments all the time and second guess our decision. After talking to Ashley, she made me realize that we sometimes have to make decisions on what is best for our children, not for us, and I do not know the quality of life that Kaden would have had had we made the decision to do everything until he gave up on his own. It is just so painful to think that I took his life away, and I cannot get the image of him opening his eye to look at us for the first time. Everyone tells me that he was looking at us to say good bye, but in my mind he is looking at me asking me not to let him go. I still to this day cannot look at that picture.

I am sure all these feelings are very normal, I just seem to keep them all at bay until I am alone, or it is a "marker" day. I am sure it is normal to hate this CDH with every fiber in my body, and feel so helpless and I feel like I made Kaden suffer for my own selfish "wants". I look at the pictures of him on ECMO, and there is no way that baby was "comfortable". Paralyzed, maybe, but not comfortable. I understand that ECMO saves MANY CDH babies, but in my case it did not, and all I am left with are gruesome pictures of what I did to my beautiful son. I know I would feel totally different if the outcome would have been different, but it wasn't. I hope Kaden knows that we made decisions for him based solely out of our deep love of him and if he suffered in any way, I am so sorry. We just wanted you so bad. I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone with this post. It seems to help me to start to "vocalize" some of the things that go thru my head that I feel I cannot speak to anyone. Not very many people in my life can truely relate to what I have going on.

Craig & I are taking Logan and Jessica back to Arkansas the 4th-13th of July for my class reunion. Christopher is there right now, for two weeks. He couldn't go with us because he starts football camp on the 22nd. I am excited to get to see all the people I went to school with, but have some anxiety about going to a reunion 3 months after giving birth with no baby. I am sure we will have to tell the story to many, but hopefully it will raise more awareness for CDH. I continue to follow everyone's blogs and know that I am praying for you all :)

One Month Since Kaden's Death

Tomorrow it will be one month since Kaden grew his wings. As I said before, I come to the blog almost everyday and try to post, but when I try to gather my thoughts I get really sad again. These days I am just trying my best not to be sad all the time. I have a wonderful husband and 3 other, great, kids that I need to be here for. Don't get me wrong, some days it is really tough just to be functioning, but I can tell Logan, especially, is really tuned into how I am feeling. I think it scares him when I am sad so I do my best to be "normal". It seems like so much longer than a month. I really miss having Kaden in my tummy--moving around--all safe and sound. It was just me & him most of the time during my pregnancy and I would talk to him alot about what I wanted for him and had planned for him. Now I will never really know him. I wonder all the time whose personality he would have had, what he would have looked like (especially since I really only remember what he looked like swollen),how close him & Logan would have been, how much Jessica & Christopher would have spoiled him rotten (just like Logan). I think those thoughts are what pains me the most. I pray that some day soon I will be able to look at his picture and have it not make me cry. I sure do love him and in some sense am afraid that life will go on and he will fade from my memory and I will have to look at his picture to remember. Does that make sense?

I had my 6 week check-up with my regular OBGYN yesterday. I actually don't even remember making the appointment, but got the reminder call on Saturday about it. I was sick thinking about going and on Sunday night I lost it. I came on to the blog and re-read our journey and cried hysterically. I did not expect that we were going to get the outcome that we did. But we did. So now I have to find the strength to move on. Dr. Snook, my OB, was great to me yesterday. He talked to both Craig & I and discussed the grieving process as well as some local support groups. I got a clean bill of health, and he said we could start trying again in July if we felt we were ready. I know July seems really soon, but since we will have to go back to the fertility clinic, I was actually extremely happy that we weren't going to have to wait 6 months to a year for my c-section to heal. I hope at least some of you can understand that I want a baby with Craig so bad. Kaden was that for me. And after trying for over 3 years to get him and me being 38, I know our chances of having a baby that we get to bring home get less and less the longer we wait. If God chooses to bless us again, with another child, it will never replace Kaden and what he means to me (or any of us). So keep us in your prayers for that, too.

I want to say thank you again to everyone for their continued support. I know sometimes it is hard to know what to say. And if for some reason I am not answering your phone calls or immediately returning your emails, it is because when I have to talk about how I am doing it still upsets me. No matter what I am doing, I am immediately having to think about Kaden and my feelings. So for now, just bear with me and know that I know that everyone is concerned and I love you for it! Also, I do still read and check up on all of you. Even though I may not leave a comment, I am still praying for you all and your little ones.

One Month Ago Today

I know everyone has been wondering how we are doing. I have come to the blog many times to post, and then just couldn't do it. Overall we are doing okay, but it is taking everything I have some days not to just stay in bed and be sad. Kaden would be one month old today, and it seems like so long since I saw him. I miss him so bad and would give anything to have him here. I know you all understand. Our friends have been great keeping us busy and supporting us. I just know when Craig goes back to work on the 12th, and I am alone again, I will have to start dealing with my deep sadness. Sometimes I wish I could put everything out of my mind and get some peace, but everything reminds me of Kaden. It is so hard to understand why this happened to us, or any of us. Those of us who have lost babies to CDH--we all would have been great parents. I don't know why that opportunity was taken from us. It is hard not to get mad--I just want my son.

I have been keeping up on everyone's blogs. I haven't been posting, but I am thinking of you all and praying for you and your little one's on this journey. No one should have to go thru this...