One Month Since Kaden's Death

Tomorrow it will be one month since Kaden grew his wings. As I said before, I come to the blog almost everyday and try to post, but when I try to gather my thoughts I get really sad again. These days I am just trying my best not to be sad all the time. I have a wonderful husband and 3 other, great, kids that I need to be here for. Don't get me wrong, some days it is really tough just to be functioning, but I can tell Logan, especially, is really tuned into how I am feeling. I think it scares him when I am sad so I do my best to be "normal". It seems like so much longer than a month. I really miss having Kaden in my tummy--moving around--all safe and sound. It was just me & him most of the time during my pregnancy and I would talk to him alot about what I wanted for him and had planned for him. Now I will never really know him. I wonder all the time whose personality he would have had, what he would have looked like (especially since I really only remember what he looked like swollen),how close him & Logan would have been, how much Jessica & Christopher would have spoiled him rotten (just like Logan). I think those thoughts are what pains me the most. I pray that some day soon I will be able to look at his picture and have it not make me cry. I sure do love him and in some sense am afraid that life will go on and he will fade from my memory and I will have to look at his picture to remember. Does that make sense?

I had my 6 week check-up with my regular OBGYN yesterday. I actually don't even remember making the appointment, but got the reminder call on Saturday about it. I was sick thinking about going and on Sunday night I lost it. I came on to the blog and re-read our journey and cried hysterically. I did not expect that we were going to get the outcome that we did. But we did. So now I have to find the strength to move on. Dr. Snook, my OB, was great to me yesterday. He talked to both Craig & I and discussed the grieving process as well as some local support groups. I got a clean bill of health, and he said we could start trying again in July if we felt we were ready. I know July seems really soon, but since we will have to go back to the fertility clinic, I was actually extremely happy that we weren't going to have to wait 6 months to a year for my c-section to heal. I hope at least some of you can understand that I want a baby with Craig so bad. Kaden was that for me. And after trying for over 3 years to get him and me being 38, I know our chances of having a baby that we get to bring home get less and less the longer we wait. If God chooses to bless us again, with another child, it will never replace Kaden and what he means to me (or any of us). So keep us in your prayers for that, too.

I want to say thank you again to everyone for their continued support. I know sometimes it is hard to know what to say. And if for some reason I am not answering your phone calls or immediately returning your emails, it is because when I have to talk about how I am doing it still upsets me. No matter what I am doing, I am immediately having to think about Kaden and my feelings. So for now, just bear with me and know that I know that everyone is concerned and I love you for it! Also, I do still read and check up on all of you. Even though I may not leave a comment, I am still praying for you all and your little ones.