Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Mommy's Letter to Daddy

Now that things for the most part have returned to normal--whatever "normal" is for a family that has lost a child, I want to say some things to my best friend that for one reason or another have recently gone unsaid. I am so thankful that you found me, that you love me and that we have Jess and Christopher and Logan. I have never known a love like the love you give to me. I KNOW, without hesitation, that I am your world. That there is no one that you love more than me, and no one that I love more than you. Just thinking of you makes my heart smile and when we are apart (ie:you go to work) it is crazy how much I miss you. I know I have been an emotional roller coaster ride, not myself since losing Kaden, but you hang in there and love me still (sometimes it has to be difficult). I know it hurts you when I am sad, and it is not my intention ever to cause you pain or make you upset. There are things that I have to work thru in my own time, and just know that when I get sad it is not because of you, or something that you have done, but because I really miss our little guy. I am already so blessed to have 3 great kids that I sometimes feel selfish that I want another one. But my desire to have a baby with you is so deep it consumes me. I know it will happen, I am just trying to be patient. Anyway, I want you to know how much I love you--not that "I love you" ever goes unsaid in our daily life. But when I say it, I really mean it....

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Happy Bithday Baby Kaden (and Max)

Today is Kaden's 5 month birthday. Times seems to be flying now. With the recent passing of Jackson, Ireland, and MJ, those horrible feelings seem to creep up on me when I least expect it. It is hard to get over losing a child, but when you see other parents--deserving parents--losing their child, too, it is hard to move on. I am brought right back to my grief everytime one of these babies loses their battle with CDH. I relive in my mind what it felt like to have to remove Kaden from support-to have to make that "final" decision. In essence, to give up on him. I know Kaden is in a better place, and no longer suffering, but this whole situation is just wrong. I never thought I would ever lose a child-ever. I'm sure no one ever does, but the question as to why we are chosen to go thru this is very painful to me. I am hoping that part of the reason Craig & I were given Kaden is to help raise awareness for CDH. I know myself, and I would never be as passionate about making a difference if I, personally, had not lost a child to it. A piece of me will never be the same. There will always be a hole in my heart for the baby that I never got to know.

Mommy loves you, Kaden, and misses you terribly.