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Surgeon Appointment
1 year ago
Monday, July 27, 2009
Therapy Session
No, not a professional therapy session (I probably do need one) but just a "blog" therapy session. For some reason, these past few days have been extremely hard for me. I don't know what brings it on, but it hits me like a freight train. I think yesterday it was brought on by me trying to "clean" his room in preparation for a visit from Papa and Nahnee. I found myself drawn to look into his box of "special" things: his foot and hand prints, his hats, lock of his hair....you get the idea. I cannot even bring myself to take his name down off the wall. Even though I know that Kaden will never sleep in the crib, or play in the swing, or sit in the highchair. But I still have all those things ready for him. I feel so let down by God. Could He not see how much I wanted and needed Kaden? I feel broken and alone in my grief. I know there are others that feel pain LIKE me, but not MY pain. I have fears of never being able to get pregnant again, never getting to bring home a baby that is mine and Craig's. Wanting Kaden to come back to me. I want him. Painful...
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I will never understand the pain you are going through, and I won't pretend to even try. I wish I had words to help you through this, I truly do. All I can do is pray that you are able to feel God's comfort and love. Although He gives us these things that we will never understand, He will never ever stop loving us. I hope that brings you some sort of peace. Thinking of you!!!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Stephanie
I had heard that the 3rd and fourth months were the hardest and I would have to agree. Lately has been hard for me also. I am here if you need me!
ReplyDeleteAsh
As Stephanie said, I won't try to pretend to understand the pain you are in. I have imagined it, but that in no way counts. And I have immersed myself in any CDH blog that is out there because the devastation that CDH causes is real and I don't ever want to forget that or take it for granted.
ReplyDeleteI was in my doctor's office waiting room today reading a magazine from April (they're famously out of date on their periodicals). Anyway, I was drawn to a piece about the anniversary of the Columbine shooting. One of the mothers who lost a child that day gave a quote that I think sums up so much and I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember exactly how it was said. She said something along the lines of, "Her death has left a hole in my heart. I cannot fill the hole in my heart, so I must grow my heart bigger."
I don't know that this quote helps, but I truly hope you can find the peace you deserve.
Sarah
Kristi,
ReplyDeleteI totally feel for you. I have been there and I agree that even though I have been through it, I do not know your pain.
There will be many times you will look through his things and feel a need to look at his pictures over and over again. Replaying memories of him in your mind. Remember the joy that he brought to you and Craig. He will always bring you that joy.
Faith's name stayed on the wall until a few months before Abby was born. There is no rush. It will always be his room first and he will pass it down to his sibling. I created a bookshelf of items I wanted for Faith only, the rest of her items would be passed to Abby.
I remember month 3 and thinking, its not so bad,but somewhere between 3-4 months it hit me hard. Everyone is different. Know that you are not alone. Others have traveled the same cruddy road and we are here to help you out.
Keep venting, its great therapy!
Love to you and your family. Prayers for Kaden's future sibling.
Amy Miles
Kristi,
ReplyDeleteI think of you often and pray that you and Craig all the healing power that God can give you. No one will ever replace sweet baby Kaden and I agree with Amy to keep his name on the wall until YOU are ready to take it down. Always ahve those special things of Kaden's on display.
I don't know the pain you are feeling, but I will always remember how brave and strong you were and are through all you have been through.
Sending LOTS and LOTS of BABY DUST to you and Craig! :)
Kristi,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks of your pain. there are no words to express how truly sorry I am for you and Craig. We have you in our prayers each day and think of Kaden every night. I wish I wouldve read this before calling you. I hope I can still come by tommorow to see you. I love you!
Oh Kristi, keep breathing. That's all we can do. One of my sweet friends wrote me a note the other day. She lost her son almost three years ago. She said, "The easy part is loving her/him and even missing her/him. The hard part is learning day by day how to live without her/him." This is so true. One foot in front of the other. Know that I'm walking with you side by side.
ReplyDeleteCarissa
Kayla and Kaden were at the hospital around the same time. I do not know what you are feeling or going through- but I do know the feeling of "the room".. I did not make up Kayla's room pretty much until she was home. These CDH babies go through so much and us parents never know the outcome. What Carissa's friend said in the comment above- is so true- sad.. :( I am glad you can write out your feelings though, I hope that helps a little.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers. Chanda
ReplyDeleteKristi,
ReplyDeleteThere is a reason for everything. By reading the blog and the responses from lots of other CDH mommies, you may have been placed in this situation to help others. That is what I see from some of the comments. Knowing that does it make it easier? Hell no! I can not imagine losing one of my children and I can not imagine the pain and the emptyness in your heart. I know you and Craig want to have a child together and I hope that you two will succeed! In the mean time something that you have that some of the other moms do not have is 3 beautiful children already. I am sure if any of us reading this blog could take the pain for you we would. Take it day to day and it will take a while but you will get through it! I love you guys and miss you! Seems like forever since we have seen you!
Love Nanette
i'm getting to this a bit late but still wanted to reach out and give you a hug! i truly cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you must feel. the loss of a child seems so foreign and i had no clue just how often people have to face this trial. matt and i still think of you often and pray for your family. i hope God blesses you with another lo soon but know that kaden will never be forgotten. i still look forward to the day where i get to meet him in heaven.
ReplyDelete