Praying for Mikey, Chanda and Tristan

I just want you guys to know that we are praying for you. I am so sorry....It's just wrong...

The 4 Month Marker

Just thought I would pop in and give a brief update. Yesterday marked four months since Kaden passed away. I sure do miss that little guy. The days are getting easier, I still have my moments, but I am starting to look forward to the possibility of being pregnant again (hopefully soon). Craig and I had a really great vacation, just the two of us. I have been following all the other babies that have made their arrivals, and the emotions that come thru their blogs brings me right back to the NICU--like it was yesterday. It is amazing how those feelings get burned into your being. Does that make sense? I was deeply, deeply, deeply saddened to hear that Jackson Beal earned his wings while we were gone to Mexico. His story was so similar to Kadens, and I was praying so hard that their outcome would be different than ours. Candice and Rob are in our prayers during their healing. The days after can be a serious emotional roller-coaster. Also praying for Ireland who made her entrance into the world two days ago. She is on ECMO now, but doing good and getting the rest that she needs for her surgery. Mikey and Chanda-you guys are in my thoughts constantly. It really stinks to have to go thru all this, especially after a c-section.

Anyway, just want you all to know that we are still here, taking it day by day:)

From Daddy

I just wanted to say hey to everybody. I really miss my baby boy, Kaden. His whole family misses him...especially his brother Logan. Mommy misses him the most. Anyway, just wanted to give you all an update on daddy. I'm doing pretty good. I really have a hard time when Kristi is feeling down. I love her so much and can feel when she's in a funky mood. I just want her to be happy. I want her to be happy ALL THE TIME!! I know that this is a hard thing to go through for a family, but I, as a father, just want to make it right.

I am still happy that I got the 17 days with my son KADEN. Yes, I'm still upset that GOD took him from us, but that was his plan. I am still so sorry that my wife and I lost our only child together that we had been trying to conceive for over three years. But, I am happy that Kaden's story has touched so many people in this world. He was AMAZING!!! I will always love him.

Good news is...we will be trying again after we get back from our 1st vacation together as husband and wife. I KNOW that we will succeed in conceiving another BEAUTIFUL baby that has NO probelms what so ever. I really look forward to that.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AND THANK YOU FOR STILL SUPPORTING MY FAMILY.

WE WILL BE IN TOUCH SOON.

LOVE THE KUEHL FAMILY
(Craig)

Therapy Session

No, not a professional therapy session (I probably do need one) but just a "blog" therapy session. For some reason, these past few days have been extremely hard for me. I don't know what brings it on, but it hits me like a freight train. I think yesterday it was brought on by me trying to "clean" his room in preparation for a visit from Papa and Nahnee. I found myself drawn to look into his box of "special" things: his foot and hand prints, his hats, lock of his hair....you get the idea. I cannot even bring myself to take his name down off the wall. Even though I know that Kaden will never sleep in the crib, or play in the swing, or sit in the highchair. But I still have all those things ready for him. I feel so let down by God. Could He not see how much I wanted and needed Kaden? I feel broken and alone in my grief. I know there are others that feel pain LIKE me, but not MY pain. I have fears of never being able to get pregnant again, never getting to bring home a baby that is mine and Craig's. Wanting Kaden to come back to me. I want him. Painful...

My CDH Ribbon

I am so excited! This just arrived. Ashley and I found a lady when we met up in Arkansas that does stained glass, and I had these made for each of our little guys. It turned out so good. Hopefully, Ash, yours comes soon!

Mixed Emotions

I know it has been quite a while since I have posted. Kaden's three month marker was on July 3rd, and we went back to Arkansas for my 20 year class reunion on the 4th. It was great to be home. I had not been back in over six years, and I got to reconnect with all my closest friends from high school. It was hard going there with no baby to show off, but everyone got to see Kaden in our pictures. It was a healing time for me. Ashley, Max's mommy, came to visit for a couple of days and it was like we were old friends, not two tragically linked mommies meeting for the first time. It was so good for me to have that time with her.


As for us, we are back on the "serious" baby making journey. Our first appointment is Monday, and I think we may be able to actually start the injections then. Keep us in your prayers that it works and doesn't cost us a fortune! It makes me so happy just to know that we are able to try now. This is the month that we conceived Kaden so I am hoping he will being us good luck :)

I am deeply deeply saddened to hear that baby Avery lost her battle with CDH last night. It brings back such painful memories for me and I know how difficult the decision is to make. Please pray for Shane, Carissa, and Kaitlyn as these next few weeks will be difficult. They will need all the support they can get, and it seems like they have alot of great people who love them. I know it was the support of our friends,family, and even complete strangers that got us thru the loss of Kaden. We would have been lost with out them.

I will try to be better about updating more, but like I always say, I am still following all of your blogs and praying for you all. I miss my Kaden every day, but I am beginning to work thru my sadness and move forward. Mail your envelopes!

The Two Month Marker

Yesterday marked the 2 month birthday for Kaden. I tried to post last night, but couldn't. It was an emotional day for me and I received alot of phone calls and text messages, and even a "thinking of you" card from all the nurses and doctors that took care of Kaden at UCSF. So I was on the emoitional rollercoaster yesterday thinking alot about him and what it would have been like to have an 8 week old baby in the house. I talked to Ashley (Max's Mommy) yesterday, and it is nice to be able to vent and share feelings with someone who knows exactly how I am feeling. Max & Kaden share the same birthday, just one month apart, so we will forever be "connected" in that way. Like I said yesterday, I cannot think of Kaden without thinking about Max. That will never change and I pray that they are together playing in heaven. For those of you who have lost babies to CDH, you may understand the things I am about to say. We, as parents, go thru things in the moments that we make the decision to let our babies go peacefully. For Kaden, it may have been peacefully, but for me it was gut-wrenching. I think about those moments all the time and second guess our decision. After talking to Ashley, she made me realize that we sometimes have to make decisions on what is best for our children, not for us, and I do not know the quality of life that Kaden would have had had we made the decision to do everything until he gave up on his own. It is just so painful to think that I took his life away, and I cannot get the image of him opening his eye to look at us for the first time. Everyone tells me that he was looking at us to say good bye, but in my mind he is looking at me asking me not to let him go. I still to this day cannot look at that picture.

I am sure all these feelings are very normal, I just seem to keep them all at bay until I am alone, or it is a "marker" day. I am sure it is normal to hate this CDH with every fiber in my body, and feel so helpless and I feel like I made Kaden suffer for my own selfish "wants". I look at the pictures of him on ECMO, and there is no way that baby was "comfortable". Paralyzed, maybe, but not comfortable. I understand that ECMO saves MANY CDH babies, but in my case it did not, and all I am left with are gruesome pictures of what I did to my beautiful son. I know I would feel totally different if the outcome would have been different, but it wasn't. I hope Kaden knows that we made decisions for him based solely out of our deep love of him and if he suffered in any way, I am so sorry. We just wanted you so bad. I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone with this post. It seems to help me to start to "vocalize" some of the things that go thru my head that I feel I cannot speak to anyone. Not very many people in my life can truely relate to what I have going on.

Craig & I are taking Logan and Jessica back to Arkansas the 4th-13th of July for my class reunion. Christopher is there right now, for two weeks. He couldn't go with us because he starts football camp on the 22nd. I am excited to get to see all the people I went to school with, but have some anxiety about going to a reunion 3 months after giving birth with no baby. I am sure we will have to tell the story to many, but hopefully it will raise more awareness for CDH. I continue to follow everyone's blogs and know that I am praying for you all :)